


You light one bitch on fire...

by goddammit_charlie



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: College, Delusions, F/F, Injury, Mental Health Issues, Self Harm, Suicide, what the fuuuuccckkk this was meant to be a nice femslash dee fic how has it ended up so angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-23 06:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3758656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddammit_charlie/pseuds/goddammit_charlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dee and Dennis go to college.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The last thing on earth Dee wanted was to be stuck at the same college as her twin brother, but she'd never gotten what she wanted before and it seemed she wasn't going to get to start now. Her parents had given her a choice - go to Penn State with Dennis or pay tuition herself at another college. She had entertained a brief fantasy of getting in to UCLA and escaping her family for good, until she found out how much tuition fees actually cost and realised her parents hadn't actually given her a choice at all. The next fall she had crammed her bags into the car alongside Dennis's and prepared to face another three years of being "Dennis Reynolds's sister".

Dee rarely made a good first impression - or second or third, for that matter. Whenever she met a new person she always knew the back brace was the first thing they saw, and she would watch their eyes scan the frame of metal rods and wire and see them carefully constructing a suitably sympathetic expression before they ever made eye contact. By the time she'd watched this routine play out across their features, she would already be pissed off and looking for a fight before they'd even exchanged greetings. Even by her usual standards, however, her first encounter with her new roommate was a bad one. Her parents had dropped her off in front of the building with her bags piled on the kerb beside her and disappeared to help Dennis move into his dorm a few blocks down, so she had spent a frustrating half hour lugging her bags one by one up the three flights of stairs to her allocated room, her back brace jabbing and pinching welts into her skin with every trip, and by the time she collected the last bag she was red-faced, sore and on the verge of tears. She threw the bag onto her bed with a growl and looked up to see that her new roommate had arrived and was watching her with wide, fearful eyes.

"What?" she snapped viciously. The other girl quickly looked away and stuttered.

"No-nothing... I..."

Dee ignored her and flopped down onto her bed, staring straight up at the ceiling in the only position that didn't cause twists of wire to dig in to her flesh. She blinked hard, clenching her fists until her nails left dents in her palms to drive away the rising lump in her throat, and then closed her eyes. After a long moment of silence during which she could feel the other girl's eyes boring into her, the stillness lifted and she dozed off to the sound of bags being unzipped and drawers opening and closing as her roommate unpacked.

When she woke up it was dark outside and the room was lit only by the yellow glow of a desk lamp. There was a blanket over her, a homemade patchwork quilt that smelled of fabric softener and jasmine. She pulled it up to her chin and breathed in, forgetting where she was for a moment. Then she remembered that she was in her new college dorm with a roommate who seemed terrified of her, and this blanket did not belong to her, and she pushed it off and sat up with a grinding shriek of metal. Her roommate was lying on the other bed reading a battered paperback, and she looked up at the sound.

"Hi," the girl offered shyly. "Um, I hope you don't mind, you were shivering so I..." She indicated the blanket. Dee shook her head - _I don't mind_ \- and her expression must have softened because now the other girl seemed to relax slightly with an air of relief.

"I'm Ruby," she said, putting down her book.

"Deandra. Dee." 

"Nice to meet you, Dee. Are you hungry? You slept through dinner - I tried to wake you to come down to the canteen but you were dead to the world."

Dee shook her head again, mind whirring suspiciously as she tried to work out this girl's angle. Their only prior interaction had consisted of Dee snarling at her, and now she was being all concerned and putting blankets on her and shit? What kind of game was she playing? She studied the other girl carefully. Ruby was short, particularly compared to Dee's gangly frame, and where Dee was all points and angles Ruby seemed to be made of soft curves. She was a little overweight, with thick thighs, a rounded stomach and full cheeks that gave her face a pleasant, friendly appearance. Her hair was straight, dark and glossy, eyes dark brown to match, brown skin several shades lighter. Dee noted with envy that her skin was smooth and clear.

"Where are you from?" Ruby asked.

"Philly."

"Oh cool, my dad lives around there - well, Cherry Hill. Me and my mom live in Atlantic City."

Dee nodded, feeling awkward. She didn't really know how to make small talk, nobody had ever wanted to hear what she had to say.

"Do you know what you want to major in?" she asked, hoping to keep the conversation going. Ruby's face lit up.

"Oh yeah, definitely! I want to major in theatre and be an actress! How about you?"

"I'm not really sure yet, I was thinking maybe Psychology? I mean, my family are all total psychos so I think I'd be pretty good at it."

Ruby laughed, and Dee decided not to point out that she hadn't really been joking. Instead she changed the subject by pressing for more information about Ruby's acting dreams.

"I'm going to move to New York after graduation and start auditioning for Broadway," the smaller girl stated matter-of-factly. "Once I'm established there I might consider doing movies at some point, I haven't really decided yet. Then I'll open a performing arts school for Native kids."

"You want to teach?"

"Oh God no, I'll just fund it and put my name on it and hire someone else to do the teaching while I carry on with the fun job!"

As they laughed together, Dee's suspicions began to retreat to the back of her mind. She didn't dismiss them altogether, trust being an alien concept to her, but she allowed herself to consider the possibility that maybe her roommate really was just a nice person who didn't see Dee simply as the Aluminium Monster. Maybe if she had a cool roommate to be friends with, college might not turn out so bad after all.

*

The following night, Dee and Ruby attended their first college party. To say Dee was nervous would be an understatement - she had changed her outfit four times before giving up and declaring that whatever she wore, nobody would notice it under the back brace anyway. She'd applied makeup with shaking hands and tried to gulp down some vodka before immediately retching it back up. She knew that everyone was going to stare and laugh at her in her metal cage, and although she was used to being treated like a freak she was dreading it happening in front of Ruby. For some reason that Dee still didn't quite trust or understand, Ruby actually seemed to like her. Over the past 24 hours they had spent almost every moment together, exploring the campus and getting to know the college and one another, and Dee was having more fun than she'd ever had with anyone else. Now she was convinced that as soon as Ruby saw how people normally treated her, she would realise the error of her ways and start acting like everyone else.

Ruby may not have understood the full explanation behind Dee's anxiety, but she took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly as they approached the house where the party was already in full swing. They'd decided to arrive fashionably late, mostly because Dee had been heaving over the toilet for most of the evening, so they were able to slip in without drawing too much attention from the crowds of excited new students. A few people stared at the back brace, and Dee's anxiety-sharpened ears picked up on muffled laughter here and there, but overall nobody really seemed to care. Still clasping Dee's hand, Ruby led her through the crowded room to find the keg, and passed her a cup of beer. Dee raised it to her lips, felt a gag lurch in her throat, and quickly lowered it again. 

"Let's dance!" 

Dee was dragged along as Ruby headed for the cluster of moving bodies in the centre of the room. Ruby looked stunning in a short crimson dress that clung to every curve of her wide hips and generous boobs, showing off the dramatic hourglass of her silhouette. Her head only just reached Dee's shoulder even with high heels, and she'd left her hair loose to ripple in a shining curtain as she moved. Dee swayed awkwardly, trying not to let her brace creak, and watched as Ruby twirled and swung her hips, lifting her hands above her head and closing her eyes with a smile. Dee's mom was always telling her she needed to lose weight, making snide comments about women they passed on the street, declaring that she would never dare leave the house if she looked like that... Dee had grown up assuming that everyone was this critical of each other and themselves, but watching Ruby dance she knew that this was a girl who enjoyed her own body and didn't care what anybody else said. She finally realised what it meant when her fashion magazines said that confidence was the sexiest quality a woman could have, and wondered if she would ever be able to attempt it herself. Maybe one day, after her back was fixed and her acne had cleared up, she might be able to dance like Ruby did.

"Heeeeey, it's the Aluminium Monster!"

Dee froze as the familiar voice drew closer. _Shit. Dennis is here._ He lurched up to her and flung an arm around her, almost knocking her over, and she quickly set her beer down on an end table before he could knock it from her hand. His breath smelled like beer and smoke as he leaned in to yell in her face.

"Sweet Dee! How's it going?"

"Get off me Dennis, you stink." She pushed him away roughly. Ruby looked up quizzically. "This is my shithead brother, Dennis. Dennis, this is my roommate Ruby. She's cool."

Ruby smiled and offered a hand to shake, but Dennis looked her up and down like a butcher assessing a pig and pointedly turned away. Dee was mortified, but Ruby didn't seem to care. She just shrugged and carried on dancing. 

"Don't be rude to my friends, dickface!" Dee hissed as viciously as she could without Ruby hearing. Dennis laughed.

"Friends, plural? I only see one chubby little Indian."

Dee snarled and lunged for his face with her fingernails, and he grabbed her hands and pulled them down, bending her wrists back painfully with a casual smirk. He was good at this, at inflicting pain subtly while an onlooker would assume he was just idly holding her hands. Dee forced herself to relax, knowing from experience that it would hurt more if she struggled, but her eyes flashed sheer hatred. 

"Where are _your_ friends then?" she taunted. "As far as I can see you're spending your first college party hanging out with your sister." She stifled a cry as he twisted her wrists harder, and knew she had touched a nerve. "Did you call yourself a golden god and creep them out? Are they hiding from you so you can't follow them around? Never mind, I'm sure there's a gross drug dealer around here somewhere who'll hang on your every word." His face darkened and she knew she'd gone too far. This time she couldn't suppress a shriek as he bent her wrists back until she felt sure the bones would crack. Curious heads turned at her yell, and Dennis's cheeks flushed scarlet. He dropped her hands and shoved her hard, sending her crashing to the ground in a clatter of steel, and ran.

"Oh my god, are you okay?"

Ruby dropped to her knees beside Dee and took her hand. Dee was horrified to find her vision swimming with tears, and she snatched her hand away to scrub it across her eyes. It came away smeared with mascara. 

"'m fine," she muttered.

"Was that really your brother? Is he always like that?"

Dee nodded, jaw clenched. There was no way Ruby would still want to be her friend now.

"God, I can't believe you have to live with him, you poor thing." 

Ruby stood up and offered her hand down to Dee, who was loath to accept help but knew she would be stuck on the floor like a turtle if she didn't, so she grabbed Ruby's hand and pulled herself up. Ruby peered around - everyone had lost interest in staring and gone back to their own conversations.

"I think he's gone. Do you want to hang out here for a bit longer, or shall we head home?"

"I think I'm gonna go. You don't have to come though, you can stay and have fun." Dee hated how sniffly and pathetic she sounded.

"No, it's okay. This party kind of sucks anyway."

Ruby kept hold of Dee's hand as they made their way back to their dorm.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time the Christmas holidays arrived, Dee felt like she had a best friend for the first time in her life. She and Ruby were inseparable, and Dee was happier than she'd ever been. She hardly even saw Dennis, who seemed to be keeping to himself with his own housemates, and her classes were going well. Ruby had even persuaded her to apply for a theatre class which would be starting in January. The only cloud on Dee's horizon was the looming Christmas vacation - she was dreading having to spend four weeks back in Philly with Dennis and her parents.

Ruby was heading back to Atlantic City by train, and Dee went with her to the station to say goodbye. They hugged awkwardly around the cumbersome frame of the back brace, and promised to call and write to each other over the long holiday. Dee's heart felt heavy as she waved until the train drew out of sight. Her own journey home was spent squeezed in the back of her dad's Mercedes with Dennis. Dee stared at her twin across the wide leather seats - she hadn't really seen him in weeks, and she hadn't realised he'd lost so much weight. His face was pale with shadows like purple bruises around his eyes, and he shivered despite the heat blasting from the AC. He didn't seem sick though - in fact he was more animated and chatty than he'd been in months, bouncing in his seat as he gushed about the friends he'd made, the girls he'd dated, the praise he'd received from his tutors. Dee knew it was all bullshit but she couldn't be bothered to argue. Her parents would take his side anyway.

When they arrived back at the tall, cold mansion the twins had grown up in, Dennis immediately raced off to see Mac and Charlie and Dee was left to carry his bags and her own into the house. Her mom was in the kitchen pouring a dash of orange juice into a glass of vodka.

"I see the fresher's fifteen hasn't passed you by," she sniffed, looking her daughter up and down. Dee shuffled uncomfortably and folded her arms across her chest. "You've got an appointment at the orthopaedic clinic tomorrow. Maybe you should ask them to wire your jaw shut while you're there." 

Ignoring the sting of her mother's smirk, Dee headed upstairs to the sanctuary of her room.

The next day she caught the bus to her appointment with a churning stomach. She hated seeing her scoliosis doctors - they always tightened the brace to pull her spine straighter each time, and she would be in constant pain for days afterwards until her body got used to the strain. She shivered, stripped to her underwear, while the doctor ran cold hands over her back and dug his fingers into her skin to feel her vertebrae. He gave her a gown to put on and sent her off for an X-ray, then left her perched on the side of the examination table, swinging her legs and watching the clock for almost an hour. Finally he returned with her X-ray and another consultant.

"Haven't we got good news for you, Deandra!" he smiled. "Doctor Slater and I agree that based on the progress you've made, it no longer seems necessary for you to wear the brace 24 hours a day."

"I can take it off?" Dee jumped to her feet, thrilled and incredulous.

"You'll still need to wear it overnight, ideally for at least 12 hours, but let's see how you get on without it during the day."

Dee could have kissed him. She started unbuckling straps and extricating herself from the complex cage, laughing with joy. The doctor laughed with her and helped her to lift the contraption off.

"That's going to be a nuisance to carry home on the bus," he chuckled. Dee didn't care. She floated through the rest of the checkup, barely listening as he explained that this was a trial only and she would need another examination soon to make sure her spine was staying in the right place, and soon she was running out of the hospital uncaged for the first time in four years.

Her family were just as dismissive as she'd expected when she bounded into the house and twirled to show them her brace-free back.

"Oh good, maybe you'll start putting some effort in to your appearance now that people are actually going to see you and not just that contraption," was the closest thing to excitement her mom could manage. 

Dee didn't care, she was too preoccupied with her own excitement, and her family's disinterest didn't matter now that she had someone else to share her good news with. She sprinted upstairs to phone Ruby.

The weeks dragged by, seeming to slow down even more as a Dee grew more eager to get back to Penn and show off her new freedom. Christmas came and went, as shit as it always was in the Reynolds house. The only thing Dee ever enjoyed about Christmas was the rare harmony that tended to emerge between her and Dennis - it was the one time of year they would put aside their squabbles and rely on each other in the face of Frank's ridiculous antics - but Dennis had been in such a weird mood all vacation and this year he invited Mac to sleep over, leaving Dee to spend Christmas Eve alone in her own bed for the first time since they were toddlers. Their dad bought a beautiful charm bracelet with a crystal-studded 'D' on it, and gave it to their mom to spite Dee ( _Mom's name is Barbara,_ she thought, _that doesn't even make any sense_ ), and he waved a white gold Rolex in Dennis's face before fastening it around his own thick wrist. Barbara started drinking with breakfast and was passed out by the time Frank had finished opening presents. Mac took Dennis down to the railway to throw rocks with Charlie (something about a childhood tradition? Dee didn't give a shit), leaving Dee to spend the rest of Christmas Day watching cheesy movies alone and eating her mom's chocolates until she felt sick.

However slowly time seemed to pass, it did creep by in the end, and eventually there was only one more week to go before she could finally escape back to college. It was a Monday afternoon, Frank was at work, Barbara was away on a spa break with her sister, and Dee was in the basement gym sweating over the cross-trainer when she heard the front door slam. She raised her eyes to follow the sound of footsteps across the floor above, to the kitchen. The slam of a cupboard door. The rush of water filling a glass. Drawers rattling and slamming shut. A furious screech, and the smash of a glass shattering on the tiles made her jump. Dee hopped off the machine and made her way upstairs to find out what had Dennis so rattled.

She entered the kitchen to find Dennis sitting on the floor among the shards of glass, leaning his back against the dishwasher, with his knees drawn up to his chin. He must have put his hand down on one of the sharp fragments; blood was dripping from his palm. He didn't look up when she came in. She picked her way carefully across the glittering floor, tore off a few sheets of kitchen towel and passed them to her brother. Then she grabbed a broom and pushed the worst of the mess into a corner, inspected the floor around Dennis for stray shards, and once she was satisfied that she wasn't going to get cut, she sat down beside him. He didn't raise his eyes from his hand, dabbing the kitchen roll against his wound and watching scarlet stains blossom across the white paper. After a moment of silence, he mumbled:

"Can't find mom's Valium. She must've taken it all with her."

Dee rose wordlessly and ran up to her room, returning a moment later with a packet of pills.

"I took these from her bag months ago," she said, handing them to him. 

"Thanks." He popped a couple of tablets out of the blister pack and swallowed them dry.

Dee found some gauze and a bandage in the bathroom cabinet and took them to the kitchen, settling down beside her brother again and pulling his hand over to her lap so she could wrap it. His fingers were bony and cold, tinged blue beneath the nails.

"Do you like college?" Dennis asked after a long moment of silence. Dee thought for a moment, and nodded.

"Yeah. I didn't think I would, but I do."

She didn't return the question. She didn't need to.

"It's only been a couple of months, it'll get better," she offered awkwardly. Dennis scowled and pulled his hand away from her, trailing the half-tied bandage. She sighed and stood up. "I'll be in my room..." _If you need me._ She didn't complete the thought, didn't know how. Kind words were not something that happened between the Reynolds twins. Dennis inclined his head in a curt nod, understanding. 

A week later they piled their bags back into the car to head back to Penn. Mac and Charlie had come to see Dennis away. Dee noticed that they looked at her differently now, without the brace. Charlie was gawping like he'd never realised she was female before. It made her feel vaguely smug. Mac pulled Dennis in to a tight hug that lasted for just a beat longer than it really needed to, and when he released him Dee noticed that Mac looked worried, like he didn't want Dennis to go. He caught her eye, saw her staring and quickly turned his head away.

When they reached the college, their parents dropped Dee off outside her building like last term. As she climbed out of the car, so much more comfortable and confident than the last time, she saw Dennis slip something inside her bag just before she reached for it. She tried to catch his eye but he kept his face turned to the opposite window until the car pulled away. When she got up to her room and started unpacking, she saw something sparkle among her clothes and books. It was the charm bracelet Frank had taunted her with at Christmas, with the little 'D' swinging delicately from its chain. Dennis must have swiped it from their mom's jewellery box. Dee slipped it over her wrist and admired it, wondering what had possessed her asshole brother to do something so nice. Then Ruby arrived, bursting into the room in a flurry of excited squeals and hugs, and any thoughts of her brother evaporated from Dee's mind as she threw herself at her best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Biohazardgirl deserves a lot of the credit (blame?) for how Dennis turned out in this fic! The whole god-delusion fanon is completely down to her incredible work I Feel So Proud When The Reckoning Arrives.

Dee and Ruby were hanging out in their room one night, watching MTV and sharing a pizza, when Dee decided to mention something that had been bothering her since she overheard a conversation between some of her classmates the other day.

"Roo?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you know there's a rumour going around that we're gay?"

They were both sitting on Dee's bed, backs propped against the wall, legs stretched out across the width of the bed, feet dangling off the edge, and now Ruby drew her knees in and turned to face Dee.

"I think I heard someone mention it a while ago. Does it matter?" 

Dee thought for a moment.

"I suppose not. I just don't like the idea of people talking about us behind our backs, spreading rumours that aren't true."

A wicked grin spread across Ruby's face and her dark eyes shone.

"What if the rumour was true?"

Dee laughed and shook her head, but then she looked into Ruby's eyes and the laugh faded. She'd never seen Ruby look nervous before, but now there was a definite apprehension behind her grin. Dee felt a little light-headed. Was she imagining things, or was the air between them charged with some kind of electricity? Ruby began to lean forward, tilting her head back slightly to raise her face toward Dee's, but she stopped halfway with a shy smile. Dee realised that she wanted to lean in and close the gap herself. She wasn't quite brave enough - instead, she raised a hand to cup her friend's warm, smooth cheek. This must have been the kind of signal Ruby was waiting for. She moved forward a little more, and Dee lowered her face, and suddenly their lips were meeting.

It was barely even a kiss; their lips brushed together soft as snowflakes and melted away from one another almost as quickly. They parted giggling, not meeting each other's eyes. Dee had kissed boys before - she had made out with Brad Fisher in an empty classroom after school once, and had shared a clumsy and sour-tasting kiss with Charlie over an ill-advised game of spin the bottle - but never another girl, and she'd never felt this way with Brad or Charlie. Her stomach felt warm and light, like a bubble of sunshine was floating up into her chest, and her heart was pounding. She raised her eyes to glance at Ruby, who was staring at her with an absent-minded smile, her eyes unfocused, concentrating on some faraway thought. Ruby must have felt Dee's gaze, because she brought herself back to the moment and met her eyes with a faint blush. Dee was fascinated by Ruby's eyes. Flecks of gold and green and walnut brown mixed together like watercolours around the endless black depth of her pupils. It was like staring into a well under the canopy of a lush forest dappled with sunlight. And her lips, full and soft as the richest of silks, still slightly parted, maybe still tingling as Dee's were... she kissed them again. This time there was more intention behind it, tongues meeting hesitantly at first, exploring and growing bolder, hands tangled in each other's hair or cradling the nape of a neck. This time they were in no hurry to part.

*

Dee was making her way back from the drama studio one Wednesday when she was approached by some frat boy she vaguely recognised from around campus. She was walking with a couple of theatre friends - she had been given a small part in the freshman programme's production of Much Ado About Nothing, and they were on their way back from rehearsals. Ruby was still there, rehearsing almost all day for her leading role as Beatrice, and much as Dee loved to watch her perform (she was in her element on stage, glowing with joy and pride as the director applauded her line delivery, and Dee could hardly tear her eyes away, longed to leap on her then and there), she had another class to get to and had reluctantly allowed her friends to pull her away. She glanced at the boy with little interest - she was getting used to receiving attention from men now that she was so much more comfortable in her body, and she enjoyed crushing their aspirations with a cruel smirk. 

"You're Deandra Reynolds, right?"

"Yeah..."

He didn't look like he was there to flirt. She stopped walking and turned her attention towards him properly. He fidgeted his hands together, studied the ground for a moment before continuing.

"Could you come and get your brother please? He's been on the roof of our frat house for like, ages, and he won't come down."

"Oh for fuck's sake."

She waved her friends away to their next class and allowed the grateful frat boy to lead her to the house. _God-fucking-dammit Dennis,_ she thought bitterly, _always the drama queen, always the centre of attention, always derailing shit for me..._

There was a cluster of kids on the sidewalk outside the house, craning their necks to look up at the roof. Some of them were worried, while many seemed to find the situation entertaining. Dee pushed to the front of the crowd and glared up at her brother. It was not a flat roof - slate tiles sloped steeply away to either side as he perched astride the apex with his back against a chimney. Judging by the number of empty cans that had rolled down into the rain gutters, he must have somehow managed to drag a crate of beer up with him. He glanced down at Dee and waved.

"Dennis!" she screeched up at him. "Get your pathetic turkey ass down here NOW!" He gave no indication of having heard her. 

"We had a party last night," one of the boys explained as she continued to glare, "and he was like, wrecked, and eventually he disappeared and we assumed he'd gone home to choke on his own puke or something..." He faltered as he remembered who he was talking to, but Dee didn't care. She motioned impatiently for him to continue. "But he must've found a way up there somehow and stayed there all night. We only realised he was up there when one of the guys from across the road saw him and asked us why there was a dude on our roof." One of the other guys sniggered, and was swiftly elbowed into silence.

"How did he get up there?" Dee asked.

"There's a window at the back of the attic. I'll show you."

Dee sighed. She was not in the mood for climbing around on rooftops chasing her idiot brother, but as always, when did what she wanted ever matter to Dennis?

The guys gave her a leg-up through the small skylight in the attic ceiling. She wondered how on earth Dennis had managed this climb on his own, wasted, carrying beer. The tiles were smooth and treacherous, and she clung tightly to the window frame as she inched her way up towards the peak of the roof. She slung her leg over to straddle it as Dennis had done, and pulled herself along awkwardly. That asshole was definitely going to owe her a new pair of jeans by the time they were done here. Dennis saw her approaching and pulled a backpack into his lap - that must be how he got the beer up there. Now that she was closer she could see that his eyes looked bruised and puffy, and his cheeks were hollow.

"Jesus Christ, Dennis. When did you last eat something?"

He reached into the backpack and drew out an empty beer can.

"Get down, Dee!" he called. His voice was thin and cracking. "Get off this roof, I mean it!"

She ignored him, pulling herself further towards him, and he threw the can at her head.

"Ow!" she shrieked, ducking low to the tiles and clinging on for dear life.

"Go away! I will push you off this roof, I swear to god!"

"Dennis... ouch... Dennis, stop it!"

She could hear gasps and laughter spreading through the crowd below as he pelted her with another couple of cans. Thank god they were all empty.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she growled at him.

"I'm ready to ascend. I've had enough of this..." he gestured down at himself.

"Ascend? Had enough of what? What are you on about?"

"This vessel, this physical form. I'm done with it. I'm going to move on to the spiritual realm where I can fulfil my true potential." He sounded distant, disconnected. "I was going to do it this morning but then all these people kept watching me," he swept his arm out towards the kids below, "so now I'm just waiting until they all move on and then I'll set myself free."

Dee felt an uneasy flutter in her stomach. She knew her brother was nuts but this was too far even for him. 

"Dennis, have you taken something?"

"I am more clear-minded than I have ever been!" This wasn't technically an answer to her question but she let it slide.

"So how are you planning to... be free? What are you going to do when these people leave?"

Dennis laughed at her like she was a simpleton.

"Well obviously I'm going to need to unencumber myself of this vessel. I wasn't sure this building would be high enough, but I think if I go for that bit of concrete it ought to do the trick. The last thing I want to do is miss and end up stuck in a broken vessel."

Dee rubbed her hands over her face in frustrated disbelief.

"Dennis, what you're saying is you're going to kill yourself. Am I hearing this right?"

"No!" Dennis looked shocked at the idea. "Of course I'm not going to die, I'm just going to be released from this form. A god is more than just the vessel he inhabits, you know."

 _Oh great, the God thing again._ Dee wondered what you were supposed to do in this situation. Call 911? Would they send the police, or an ambulance? She tried to imagine Dennis's reaction to a stranger in a uniform telling him what to do. _Okay, so we're not doing that._ She took a deep breath.

"I don't think you've thought this all the way through," she began. Dennis dropped his backpack and a gasp rippled through the crowd below as he began to pull himself to his feet. _Shit._ He gripped the chimney stack with both hands and stood unsteadily, barely balancing on the narrow ridge.

"Look, this is why I didn't want you here Dee," he explained, edging around to the other side of the chimney as Dee held her breath in horror. "I know it's a difficult idea to comprehend, but you can't talk me out of it."

Dee instinctively moved towards him, but he let go of the chimney stack and tried to edge away further down the roof. He wobbled, arms windmilling, and a couple of girls screamed. Dee froze until he had regained his balance. He held his arms out straight like a tightrope walker, smiling at her across the chimney that now stood between them.

"I don't want you any closer than this, Dee. If you move forward any more I'm just going to have to keep moving away."

"Okay, okay. How about I move back a bit so you can grab hold of that chimney again?" She shuffled back and he rested a hand casually on the brick, keen to show that he didn't need its support to balance, but at least now he was holding on to something. _Think, Deandra. How am I going to convince this crazy fuck to come down?_ Obviously appealing to any kind of sense or reason would be useless. She thought about her brother, the things she knew about him, searching for something he might respond to enough to override his crazy brain. 

"What would Mac and Charlie say if you died - if you ascended? Mac would be a mess without you," she tried, crossing her fingers. Dennis looked down at the tiles beneath his feet.

"They would understand. They know I'm different, that I don't belong on this plane. They wouldn't want me to stay trapped here for their sakes." His voice was small but he set his chin defiantly, choosing to believe his own truth. Dee racked her brains for something else. The only thing Dennis loved more than Mac was himself.

"Well, what made you decide that you have to do it right now? You're 19, you've still got years of being young and strong ahead of you - why throw your body away now when you could be enjoying it?"

Dennis looked down again, this time at his own body. He looked like he might be considering her words. She pressed ahead:

"I mean, you've never been in such great shape," (she tried not to look at his frail, bony frame as she lied) "and you haven't even reached your prime yet."

"Well... I guess I have yet to achieve my peak condition in this form..." he mused.

"Exactly!" Dee tried not to let her relief show too much. "Why ascend now when you've got years ahead of you? You can do that any time you want, but it seems a shame not to at least reach your peak first."

"Hmmm. Okay, new plan. How about I wait until I peak, let the world experience me at my vessel's full potential, and then ascend once my vessel is on the downhill run?"

"That sounds like a much better plan," Dee agreed, her head swimming as she took a proper breath for the first time since he'd stood up. Dennis made his way back around the chimney and edged towards her, taking the hand she offered to steady him as they climbed down together. She made sure he went through the window in front of her so he couldn't change his mind.

Dennis hurried out of the house and disappeared, face downturned, past the gawping crowd. When Dee emerged a moment later, she heard her name called frantically and Ruby barrelled into her like a small dark hurricane. 

"What the fuck was that? I came out of rehearsal and someone told me you were on a roof!" she mumbled into Dee's chest as she hugged her tightly. Dee gratefully returned the embrace, stroking Ruby's hair with trembling hands.

"I don't even know," she sighed, her voice wobbling. "I think my brother might have gone properly nuts."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of an ignorant view of mental health in this chapter courtesy of Dee's ever-problematic thoughts on the matter - all opinions expressed are hers and not mine! Also trigger warnings for brief mentions of self-harm and ED (specifically purging). Fun stuff!

Dee started making more of an effort to spend time with Dennis after the rooftop incident, stopping by his dorm for at least a few minutes most days to check on him. He hadn't made any more references to ascending or being a god, and his roommate had reported his freak-out to the college's student services and they had made him agree to attend weekly counselling sessions to avoid being sent home on compulsory sick leave. Dee would have thought going home would be far preferable to Dennis than being forced to speak to a counsellor, but she guessed his ego wouldn't allow him to admit defeat by dropping out less than six months in to his college career. Mac came to visit one weekend, which helped. His face filled out a little and lost the sick pallor. He started going to classes again, getting extensions on papers he'd missed. Things seemed to be under control for now.

Dee was still shaken by the whole experience. More than once she watched her brother plummet to shatter against the concrete, and awoke to find Ruby curled up in the narrow bed with her, murmuring soothing platitudes as the nightmare faded. It wasn't just the idea of losing her brother that had her so mixed up. She'd always known that she and Dennis were fucked up kids, but she'd sort of assumed it was the normal kind of fucked up, familiar to every family in America, and that they would one day look back on these years and laugh together with a sigh of "thank god that's over". Raving about being a god, threatening to jump off a building... these were not everyday quirks that could be smoothed down to a joke in time. That was the kind of stuff crazy people did. And if Dennis was crazy, then there was every chance Dee could be too. 

She started looking at herself in a new light, examining the ideas and actions that she'd told herself were just ordinary teenage quirks - did all girls keep a stash of their mom's Valium in their purse to get through the day? Hold their hand in the lighter flame for just a moment too long, to remind themselves they were real? She couldn't possibly be the only one making herself sick in the dorm's bathroom after meals, that surely was something loads of girls did. She didn't want to share these thoughts with Ruby, afraid of scaring away the most important person in her life. She kept them locked away, pushed down deep where she could pretend they weren't there, and Ruby's lips narrowed each time she asked Dee to talk to her and got shrill assurances and brittle grins in response, and they each sank into the mazes of their own thoughts with clouded eyes and furrowed brows when they thought the other wasn't looking.

As the first tentative shoots of green began to pierce the hide of the slumbering winter ground and the long hours of darkness finally started to draw in later night by night, the freshman theatre group was spending all their time on anxious final rehearsals for Much Ado About Nothing. Opening night was a bitterly cold Friday, and Dee's breath rose in clouds to the clear evening sky as she hurried to the auditorium to prepare for the show. Ruby was already in costume and applying the final touches to her makeup when Dee arrived. They exchanged excited grins and Dee kissed the top of her hairsprayed head to avoid smudging her lipstick, then Ruby hurried off to help with the final lighting checks while Dee changed into her costume.

Dee's role was one of the smallest in the play - she had originally been given a couple of lines but when she couldn't recite them without dry heaving they'd been passed on to someone else, so now all she had to do was flutter around in a crowd of ladies-in-waiting and look suitably aghast or giggly as the scene required. She told herself it was ridiculous to be this nervous when she probably wouldn't even be noticed by the audience, but that didn't stop the bile from rising in her throat as she fumbled the laces on her bodice with trembling hands. She could hear the audience filing into their seats, chattering among themselves. The threads of dozens of conversations mingled to form a dull roaring sound like waves on shingle. Ruby was darting around in a flurry of last-minute checks and words of encouragement, beaming all the while, shining in her element. She was nervous too, but unlike Dee she thrived on the excitement. Dee pulled her into an impulsive hug as she hurried by, lowering her head to press their powdered cheeks together. Dizzied by stage fright and more besotted than ever with her beautiful tempest of a girlfriend, Dee flicked the tip of her tongue over Ruby's ear and gently nipped the lobe between her lips. Ruby shuddered and drew back with a breathless giggle, meeting Dee's eyes in an unspoken promise of the night that lay ahead after the show. The flutter of desire in Dee's stomach was far better than the churning anxiety and she focused on that, cradling it like a cigarette in the rain, keeping it aflame and glowing. 

From Dee's perspective, the show was a disaster. As soon as the curtain lifted and she saw the expectant faces of the audience, she froze petrified to the spot and had to be shoved offstage by her castmates when the scene ended. For the next scene she was supposed to be in, the director told her to stay off the stage - better to be a lady-in-waiting short than have a gangly blonde girl gawking at the audience in open horror for the whole scene. She watched the rest of the first act from the wings, chin resting on her hands, trying to pretend she couldn't hear the laughter of the rest of the cast and crew. Ruby glared them into silence and paused to give her an affectionate squeeze whenever she got a chance, but was too busy with her own role to stop for long. By the time the curtain dropped for the interval, Dee had disappeared.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this last chapter is a bit shit and rushed, I just wanted to get it finished tbh. Trigger warnings for self harm and domestic assault.

As soon as the final curtain call was over and the audience began to gather their things and make their way out of the auditorium, Ruby left her castmates to their celebrations and rushed back to the dorm to find Dee. Their room was the first place she looked, but it was empty.

"Dee? Babe?"

She looked around for a moment, wondering where to check next, and made her way along the hall to the bathroom they shared with the other girls on their floor. She knocked on the locked door.

"Are you in there Dee?"

She heard a deep shuddering breath, and someone blowing their nose. Then the bolt slid back and the door was opened reluctantly. Dee was still wearing her costume, and her red eyes and smeared makeup made it obvious that she had been crying. Ruby opened her arms to draw her sniffling girlfriend in for a hug, but Dee dodged past her and headed for their room. Ruby followed and found her settling herself on her bed with Ruby's patchwork quilt wrapped around her shoulders.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry for making you do the play with me. The audience loved it though, nobody mentioned you..." Ruby joined Dee on the bed and reached for her hand as she spoke. Dee pulled away and drew her arms into the cocoon of the blanket, but she was too late - Ruby had already seen the burns on her forearm. Her eyes swam with hot tears as she leaned in to scatter kisses across Dee's cheeks and forehead.

"I wish you'd talk to me," she murmured between kisses, "I wish you'd let me try to help. I love you." 

Nobody had ever said those words to Dee before and hearing them now, while self-loathing churned like bile inside her, seemed like some kind of sick joke. She shoved Ruby away from her roughly and leapt off the bed. Ruby gaped in wordless shock and started to rise to her feet.

"Don't you dare." Dee's voice still wobbled tearfully but her eyes burned with appalling anger. "Don't you fucking dare."

Cowed into frozen silence, Ruby watched her girlfriend storm out of the room and slam the door behind her.

Dee marched through the campus, thinking of nothing except trying to escape the boiling rage and loathing that felt like it might suffocate her if she stood still. The ridiculous costume dress flounced around her legs, and she paused to rip it off - she was wearing leggings and a vest top underneath - before hurrying on. Her bare arms prickled with goosebumps but she felt like a furnace. She was furious with herself, with Ruby, with the universe. How could anyone pretend to care about someone so pathetic? It was the cruellest of jokes, a spiteful laugh at the expense of the gangly awkward bitch. And she'd lapped it up! The thought sickened her. Everyone must have been howling with glee behind her back, she was certain. 

"Sweet Dee!"

She was so entangled in her own furious thoughts that the sound of an external voice made her jump. She stopped and looked at her surroundings for the first time since leaving the dorm, surprised to find that she must have circled the whole campus and had ended up outside Dennis's house. He was sitting on the front step with a cigarette glowing between his thin fingers. He grinned up at her.

"I hear you crashed and burned at that stupid play. I could've told you that would..."

His taunts were cut off by a sharp right hook that split his lip and left him, for once, speechless. Dee rubbed at her tooth-dented knuckles and snatched the cigarette from his unresisting hand, sucking down a deep lungful of burning smoke and flopping down beside him on the step. For several minutes the silence was broken only by their ragged breathing. Dee was aware of her brother watching her with indifferent curiosity, dabbing at the blood that welled from his lip. She finished his cigarette and ground it out against the pavement, and he drew the pack from his pocket, lit two more and passed one to her. As she reached to take it, he grabbed her wrist and held her arm out to examine the burns. She tried to pull away but he held on tightly and ran his cold fingertips across the blistered skin before releasing her wrist with a little shove. The tips of their cigarettes flared bright as they each took a pull, tiny orange beacons signalling to one another across a dark void.

"Thanks for the bracelet." Dee twirled the charm bracelet on her wrist, the one Dennis had stolen for her from their parents.

"Fuck'em, you know? We don't need anyone else." 

She didn't know whether Dennis was referring to their parents or the other students, but it didn't matter. She leaned her head on his bony shoulder and he laid a hand against her back. It felt awkward, unnatural, the closest they had been in years.

"What's wrong with us?" she sighed.

"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with either of us. It's not our fault if they don't get it." 

When she'd smoked her cigarette down to the filter, Dee flicked it away and stood up to leave. Dennis raised a hand in a wordless salute goodbye. 

"Take care of yourself," said Dee.

"Yeah, you too." They both meant it.

When Dee got back to their room, Ruby was asleep. Dee washed the tear-streaked makeup from her face and brushed her teeth, avoiding eye contact with her own reflection in the mirror, and then stood for a moment and watched her roommate breathe. _I love you._ Dee had never allowed herself to think it, but Ruby had said it. Part of her was still convinced it must be a trick - as if someone like Ruby could really love _her_ \- but as she watched her stretch and sigh in her sleep, she felt a warm surge of affection that made her hope against hope that it was true. She undressed, pulled on an oversized T-shirt and climbed into bed next to Ruby.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Ruby rolled over and threw her arms around her, clinging like a koala as she slept on.

Dee was woken the next morning by a deep kiss, her lips responding before she was fully conscious. She opened her eyes to see Ruby, looking tired with smudged mascara but smiling and beautiful as ever.

"Good morning sweetheart," Ruby purred. Dee smiled back and drew her in for another long kiss.

"Good morning," she replied when their lips finally parted. They both lay on their sides, noses almost touching, bare legs tangled together beneath the sheets. Ruby's hand rested on Dee's hip and she ran it up her waist under the T-shirt, tracing the ridges of her ribcage, brushing over the peak of her nipple, drifting down over her smooth abs and past the V of her hipbones to come to rest lightly between her thighs. She curled her fingers playfully against the wisp of sandy hair and Dee pushed her hips forward a little, searching for her, but Ruby drew her hand away and laid it back on Dee's hip. Dee made a disappointed little moan and moved closer, rolling Ruby onto her back and swinging a leg across to straddle her hips. Her hair fell in tickling curtains around their faces as she lowered her head for a kiss.

"Dee." Dee was kissing Ruby's neck, lost in the smell and the taste of her, familiar but always exciting. She didn't seem to hear her.

"Dee," Ruby repeated. Dee looked up.

"Yeah?" she breathed, pupils wide and dark, lips pink. Ruby wanted to say _nothing_ , to kiss her back and let the glowing heat in the pit of her stomach snowball into an overwhelming fire with every touch, but she felt like this was too important.

"I meant what I said last night. I know you're having a hard time lately - is there anything I can do to make it any better for you?"

Talk about a mood killer. Dee hopped off of her and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her shirt down over her lap and twisting the hem in her fingers.

"I'm fine," she said, clipped and tight. "I was just upset with myself for freezing on stage. I'm over it."

Ruby sat up and reached out to touch her shoulder.

"You don't have to... I know things haven't been right with you for a while. Your arms..."

Dee shrugged her away and wrapped her arms around herself, studying the worn carpet with a frown. She was an island, a fortress, a jagged mountain. Ruby sighed.

"Well I'm not going to force you to talk to me if you don't want to, but you know I'm always here, okay?" She got out of bed and went to take a shower.

Dee stayed where she was, perched on the edge of the bed. Her mind was a tumult of doubt and fear. She felt sick with humiliation and rejection after Ruby's dismissal of her kisses, instantly furious with herself and imagining that Ruby must find her repulsive, and confused and suspicious of Ruby's motives in trying to get her to talk. Was she trying to get her to admit to being a total psycho? Was she looking for a reason to break up with her? Or did she just want a good laugh, a funny story to share with her loud and confident theatre friends? She had to know, needed to find out the truth.

When Ruby returned from her shower, wrapped in a towel that draped like a dress on her short frame, Dee had moved to the floor and was slouching with her back against the bed, playing with a lighter. Ruby felt a sickening flutter of anxiety as she watched the flame leap and dance, and pictured her beautiful girlfriend using its heat to hurt herself. She kept a wary eye on Dee as she towelled her hair.

"Why are you doing this, Ruby?" Dee's voice sounded hollow and flat, as if drifting through from the other end of a long tunnel. 

"Doing what, babe?" 

Dee flinched at the pet name.

"Stuff like that. Acting like you like me. Making me feel..." _Wanted? Happy? Loved?_ She couldn't think of a way to finish the sentence without sounding pathetic and crazy, so she didn't.

"Acting like...? But I do like you, Dee." Ruby sat cross-legged on the floor in front of Dee and took her hand. "Look at me," she continued as Dee shook her head vigorously and turned her face away, "I think you're amazing. I love you."

"No!" 

Dee's shout was half-sob, half-snarl. She lunged forward and shoved Ruby down on her back, pinning her to the ground.

"Stop lying!" she yelled, shaking her by the shoulders so her head bumped against the carpet. Ruby was too shocked to make any sound other than a gasp. Dee fumbled for her lighter and Ruby's eyes widened as it flickered to life.

"Tell me the truth!" Dee brought the lighter closer to Ruby's long black hair. 

"What do you want me to say?" Ruby pleaded, trying to wriggle away from the painfully tight grasp of Dee's bony fingers on her shoulder.

"Tell me the honest truth or I'm going to burn you," Dee snarled.

"I told you! I'm not lying!"

Dee held the flame against Ruby's hair. Ruby struggled and shrieked, expecting a burst of flame to race towards her scalp, but her hair was damp from the shower and it just singed and steamed without igniting. The stench of burned hair filled the room. Unsatisfied, Dee moved the lighter closer to Ruby's face, to the soft brown skin of her smooth cheek.

"Dee! Please!" Ruby cried as she felt her skin begin to blister.

For a moment Dee felt suspended outside of her body, watching a stranger attacking her girlfriend. Then she was hit by the stomach dropping shame and horror of what she was doing, and she extinguished the lighter and threw it across the room. She leapt away from Ruby and curled up with her knees against her chest, shaking hands covering her face. 

It was at this moment that the dorm's RA, concerned by the sounds of fighting, knocked on the door and let herself into the room without waiting for an answer.

Things happened in a bit of a blur after that. The RA called campus security, who called the police. There were interviews and assessments and forms to sign. At some point her parents arrived. There were nurses with pills and white sheets on a narrow bed. Dennis came and they sat in the bed together like they used to at Christmas, and he tried to help her do her makeup but the mascara kept running down her cheeks. She didn't see Ruby again, not even when the police came to tell her parents that the victim had decided not to press charges. In years to come she would learn to gloss over the details, raising amnesia to an art form and laughing in the face of shame, and one day when she had buried the experience under enough layers of denial and rewritten truths, she would find herself picking out a flyer for a community theatre group and thinking _huh, that looks like it could be fun._


End file.
